2009 Oscar Fashion Recap

I gotta say it: some of the outfits at the Oscars last night were very good. Obviously, those were of no interest to me. Fortunately, there were some bad ones as well. Let us now discuss them.

Melissa Leo

When Melissa Leo showed up on my screen with the Best Actress nominees last night, I thought, "Hmm, I have no idea who she is." I am guessing a lot of people were thinking the same thing. I also thought, "Hmmm, her dress is doo-doo brown . . . and so is her hair." I am guessing a lot of people were thinking that as well.

Brangeboring

The only thing less surprising than the Slumdog sweep was Angelina's dress. Ooh, something black and flowy that shows off her tattoos and bony clavicle? How original.

Bridget Fonda

Bridget Fonda is not really important enough for anyone to have asked her the "What are you wearing?" question last night, which is a shame. I would have really liked to hear her answer, "a dress inspired by a Yikes pencil from 1991."

Miley Cyrus

On TV, Miley's alter ego is Hannah Montana. On the red carpet, her alter ego must be a 45-year-old woman; that seems to be the only justification for why her gowns always appear to have been chosen for someone three times her age.

On another note, this dress looks like what would happen if you put a figure skating outfit in a giant petri dish and let it grow uncontrollably.

SJP

Something about this dress makes me uncomfortable. That thing is the awkward cleavage.

Jessica Biel

I can relate to Jessica Biel's thinking here; when I wear white, I like to tuck a napkin into my top as well. Still, for the Academy Awards? Maybe not the best idea.

Tilda Swinton

My main problem with Tilda Swinton is that her outfits all seem to fall into the category of "Things That Would Not Shock a Time-Traveling Pilgrim At All." What's frightening, though, is that this dress is about a thousand times better than what she wore last year. (Actually, what's frightening is Tilda Swinton in general.)

Phillip Seymour Hoffman

Yikes.

Moving on.

In addition to the above commentary, I'd like to point out a few trends I noticed last night.

TREND: Kooky but Boring Red Dresses

Heidi Klum, Amanda Seyfried, and Virginia Madsen all wore shiny red dresses with exaggerated details, and, viewed individually, all of them looked OK; not the best dresses of the night, but not the worst. Jointly, though, they look like a study in Things to Do with Red Fabric When You're Not That Exciting of a Person. It's a shame, because I love Le Klum and I think Amanda Seyfried is pretty.

TREND: Overdoing It with the Damn Mermaid Silhouette

I am so. over. mermaid silhouette. dresses. Time to publicly shame the ladies who wore them last night.

Offender: Beyonce

Beyonce, if I had a dime for every time you wore a dress of this shape, I could reupholster every piece of furniture in my house with that hideous print you are wearing. So thank God nobody gave me all those dimes. But really, get a new thing going.

Offender: Melissa George

A small area of this dress is hogging an absurd percentage of its fabric. Not unlike the distribution of global wealth, this dress is lopsided and painful to consider for too long.

Offender: Vanessa Hudgens

This dress is ugly AND it looks like a bird flew into it.

TREND: That Shade of Purple I Hate

Dear sweet God, do I hate lilac. I just do. I am aware that some people like it, and I am certain this world is big enough for all of us. I can't sign off on these two dresses though, despite them both featuring that fancy drapy look I liked on all of Rami Kashou's Project Runway designs.

OK--your thoughts, please. Who/what did I miss?